Not Good Enough
/I am not enough. Have you ever felt that way? I honestly have not struggled with that…that is until recently. I consider myself to be a fairly confident person. I don’t usually struggle with feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. Well at least that is what I told myself. In all honesty I usually just shove those feelings aside, instead choosing to put on a good confident front. On the inside of me I have been wrestling with the constant nagging of feeling like what I am doing is not enough, that I am somehow I am coming up short.
So instead of dealing with those feelings I submerged myself in busy-ness, taking more classes, planning more events, doing more with the kids, anything I could do rather than taking a hard look at the things that have been in my heart since I was 18. Those dreams that God placed in there when I was young girl living half way across the world all alone. God whispered dreams, big ones, the kind of dreams that I can’t make happen on my own.
Those are the dreams that keep nagging at me, they are always there just below the surface, saying don’t forget about me, don’t forget what is in your heart. Those are the kind of big, scary dreams that are hard to believe for because there is no possible way I can accomplish them on my own. Those dreams would only be accomplished if and when God chooses to open the doors for me, to put me in situations I have no business being in. Yet I hear God’s gentle whisper which continues to pull those big dreams out of the the closet, “expect good things”.
I can get caught in a web of insecurity where I look around at the opportunities and success of others and I become one of two things, jealous or intimidated. Neither one of those things are very pretty and they sure don’t look good on me. I hate it when I respond to life in those ways. God is challenging me to look to Him, to remember that I have a specific calling, it is unique to me, only I can fulfill it.
It is ridiculous for me to glance at other people’s lives and compare their lives to mine. I am not called, formed or fashioned to fit into that life. The Bible says that God knows me by name. (Isa 43:1, “Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine.”)
It is always easier for me to pursue things that I can do well, like college for instance. I am good at college. I can do well on my own and feel successful at school. I am good at running, not as good as some people but I can sign up for races and finish well and be proud of what I accomplished all on my own. So yesterday, as I faced the reality the school is almost over for me, I immediately started looking into Master’s programs. Why you may ask? I can do school, be confident and be successful at that without any fear or doubt. I heard God tell me NO. Inexplicable I heard Him say to my spirit, "No Carrie, now we are going to do what I want you to do.” This was the kind of situation where it is better not to argue and it is better not to fight. It was one of those times I had to just take a good hard look at the motivation in my heart. I have been motivated out of fear rather than faith.
So today I am going to begin a new journey of exploration into those far away dreams that God has given me. The ones I am always to scared to pursue. God is saying that now is the time. He is encouraging me to stop hiding from what He has for me, and just let Him give it to me already!
I hope that someone else who is reading this can hear God speaking to them. I hope that someone else who has been running from the plan of God will stop and take a step of faith. I hope that someone who has be trying to please others would instead choose to focus on pleasing God. (1 Thessalonians 2:4, “We are not trying to please men but God, who tests our hearts”)
Be encouraged today dear friends, You are good enough. You are uniquely designed and created to fulfill the plan that God has in mind for you! And so am I!
